I decided to start a blog to journal all my new mommy experiences and boy have there already been many! Who knew poopie diapers and snap-crotch onesies could be so fun, that I'd be checking out the strollers parked in front of the local cafe feeling jealous about the number of cup holders it has or the size of its basket below. I used to spend my time at the mall shopping for the latest trends in fashion, now I spend my time trying to find the best educational toys and most absorbant diapers. I used to spend my nights out on the town, dressed to the nines, holding a cocktail and flirting with boys. My nights now are spent in flannel pajamas, holding my baby boy, praying I can get him down to sleep for the night and theres no place I'd rather be. Becoming a mommy has forever changed me in all the right ways.
Rob and I met in December 2002 at the bar Towne. I was 24 and he was 32. I had never dated anyone over 25 so right off the bat I kind of pushed him off thinking 32 was just a little too old for me. But this was just an excuse... truly I was suffering from a recent heart-break and I just wasnt quite ready for a "new" love. Yes a boy had broken my heart but deeper was the pain I felt from losing my own mommy. Her death was still quite fresh, just 3 years she had been gone... losing my mommy consumed my life. Everyday I saw her in the mirror looking back at me. I thought of her constantly whether I wanted to or not. When I woke up each morning, usually with a terrible hangover, I would think "shes still gone" and out the tears would flow, I'd bury them in my pillow, bury them in boyfriends, bury them with a glass of wine, just as I had buried her into the ground.
Everyday I was reminded that she was gone, she wasnt coming back and it ripped and tore my heart apart. I really felt in those moments I could never love again... that the loss of her had forever changed my ability to love, be loved, to feel loved... it was a pain so intense it made me feel sick, it caused me to roll myself up in a ball and bawl. When you lose your mommy, you cry like a baby...
As I left Towne that night, I took a final look over my shoulder and saw the back of Rob heading home. I knew there was something special about him. Our conversation that night was one I never want to forget, so deep and real. I wanted to give him a chance and I wanted him to give me the same. He gave me his card but would I call? I didn't know if I could. Two weeks later I did call. This December we are celebrating our 7 year anniversary... I'm soooo glad I went to Towne that night...
What I've learned since losing my mommy is that it has not prevented me from loving or feeling loved... its made me love stronger. The moment I held my baby boy love surged through my veins, I was forever changed by him... losing her made my love for Adam real. In that moment I realized how she must have loved me. And I also realized how much Adam loved me, his mommy...
Mommy & Adam, 1 day old
Rob and I met in December 2002 at the bar Towne. I was 24 and he was 32. I had never dated anyone over 25 so right off the bat I kind of pushed him off thinking 32 was just a little too old for me. But this was just an excuse... truly I was suffering from a recent heart-break and I just wasnt quite ready for a "new" love. Yes a boy had broken my heart but deeper was the pain I felt from losing my own mommy. Her death was still quite fresh, just 3 years she had been gone... losing my mommy consumed my life. Everyday I saw her in the mirror looking back at me. I thought of her constantly whether I wanted to or not. When I woke up each morning, usually with a terrible hangover, I would think "shes still gone" and out the tears would flow, I'd bury them in my pillow, bury them in boyfriends, bury them with a glass of wine, just as I had buried her into the ground.
Everyday I was reminded that she was gone, she wasnt coming back and it ripped and tore my heart apart. I really felt in those moments I could never love again... that the loss of her had forever changed my ability to love, be loved, to feel loved... it was a pain so intense it made me feel sick, it caused me to roll myself up in a ball and bawl. When you lose your mommy, you cry like a baby...
As I left Towne that night, I took a final look over my shoulder and saw the back of Rob heading home. I knew there was something special about him. Our conversation that night was one I never want to forget, so deep and real. I wanted to give him a chance and I wanted him to give me the same. He gave me his card but would I call? I didn't know if I could. Two weeks later I did call. This December we are celebrating our 7 year anniversary... I'm soooo glad I went to Towne that night...
What I've learned since losing my mommy is that it has not prevented me from loving or feeling loved... its made me love stronger. The moment I held my baby boy love surged through my veins, I was forever changed by him... losing her made my love for Adam real. In that moment I realized how she must have loved me. And I also realized how much Adam loved me, his mommy...
Mommy & Adam, 1 day old
My mommy Cheri Ann
Beautiful, my friend. It's been inspiring to watch you grow and change and love. And it is all the more inspiring to watch you be a mom. Love you so much and that amazing little boy of yours. xoxo
ReplyDeleteYour post was so moving....thanks for sharing. ((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteMorena